Most days, in many ways, occasionally on Sundays:
I close my eyes and dream of someone other than who I see in the mirror,
wanting more than anything to be some other face,
wishing to not be this person in the corner in a crowded place.
I cry, all the while hating myself for the weakness,
I used to be so strong before the consuming storm of distress.
I struggle as the storm rages on, the ocean I float in pulling me under
Gasping for air, I lose Up and swim to Down, a terrible blunder
A large part of me, the rusty frame I have grown accostomed to,
Aspires to drown, to just end it all and to count it as loss, say adieu
The ‘new’ me, the one I’m told to be, drills me to fight on.
The meaning of the antebellum within my core is gone.
Will I always fight, or will I finally become who I want to be?
I fear I have gone deaf, and I can no longer see.
Content in loneliness, knowing who I am when it gets dark,
Who stares in the eyes of the beast, laughs at the menace of a shark.
Feeling all this contempt for me, I feel my old skin begin to fade
And finally I realize, there are so many people to be other than Jaid.
What does it mean to change? It is not a temporary, spontaneous decision made on a whim. It is not a simple character trait that needs worked on. From now on, I want to wake up and become another person. A quiet, self sufficient girl who’s no longer afraid of rape or loneliness or disapointing people. Who no longer cares what people believe about them, because she knows who she is and that is sufficient. I don’t want to be angry, or sensitive or quickly angered. I want to be someone else. I once thought changing my name is necissary, but I read this quote today and it impacted me greatly.
“But don’t forget who you really are. And I’m not talking about your so-called real name. All names are made up by someone else, even the one your parents gave you. You know who you really are. When you’re alone at night, looking up at the stars, or maybe lying in your bed in total darkness, you know that nameless person inside you.”
I want to be the nameless person inside of me, whoever that might be.