Different

Why does this feel so wrong? This is what I wanted right? To be a girl who stands up for herself, who goes against the crowd. I feel ashamed and ugly. My tummy hurts, and I feel like a little girl again. I need to go curl up on my bed and cry. Not just a short, panicky cry like Charlie in Perks of Being A Wallflower. I need a long, silent, I need someone cry. I was told today that I am melodramatic, depressed, and stupid while I told myself that I was superior. So when I was superior, why did the result feel so terrible? I thought I’d feel powerful, but right now I feel alone. I can see why I want to be this way. I can see why I want to be different. I felt, for lack of a better term, ugly. Not in the physical sense, but in the alone, nasty attitude sense. I know this is what I wanted, and I’ll be fine with my best friend and other acquaintances but the feeling of being utterly ditched still stings and leaves a lingering disappointment I had not anticipated. But I guess this is the price I pay isn’t it? This is different, so I should be happy. But I’ve never hated myself more than in this moment.

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