Part of That World Reprise

Look at this house. Isn’t it huge? Wouldn’t you say my life is complete? 

Wouldn’t you say I’m the girl, the girl who has everything. 

You’d think, sure, She’s got everything. 

But who cares? No big deal. I want more. 

I wanna be where the love is, I wanna see, wanna see it dancing, 

Walking around with those, what do you call them? Hearts.

Judging people, you don’t get too far. Forgiveness is required for happiness. 

Up where they laugh, up where they sing, up where they stay all day at the shelter, 

Out of the heat, out of the fire, wish I could be, part of your world. 

What would I give, if I could live out of these deep waters. 

What would I pay, to spend a day, warm and embraced. 

Betcha on campus, they understand, 

Bet they don’t, reprimand their students. 

Bright young women. Sick of drowning. Ready to stand…

And ready to know what the college kids know. 

Quit asking questions yet get some answers. 

When’s it my turn? Wouldn’t I love?

Love to explore that shore up above…

Out with the free. Wish I could be, part of that world.

The Rant.

Wake up. Snooze. Tired. Wake up. Get up. 

The pillow is seducing me back to sleep but I refuse. Sleep and I are no longer close. 

Practice. Base. Fly. Cheer. Dance. Routine. Memorize. Smile, smile, smile.

Tired. Get ready. Too tired. No make up; the natural look. No shower either. Perfume instead. 

Boyfriend: Good morning, smile, good morning babe, coffee, promise of coffee, chap-stick, homework, help study, so close, but can’t kiss we’re at school. Disappointment. 

Expectations is the name of the game, with a subtitle of school. Homework, more homework, more, more, more. Do more, sleep less, be less, be quite, no more. Yet there is an undercurrent of melancholy for I know this is my last year with these teachers and classmates. There is a feeling of letting go, yet a pull of coming back. The pull lessens, however, and the letting go increases. 

Work. I love work. I get to be me, in an environment where I can reinvent me, without changing who I really am. I love work. I love it. With work comes expecations, with work comes responsibility. With work comes cash, with works comes freedom, with work comes restraint. 

Home. Brokenness. A feeling of need is ever in my heart. A needyness I can’t equate with anywhere else. My soul is missing a piece. These things break me: 

  1. Abortion
  2. Being left
  3. Want, need, mom. 
  4. Goodbye mommy
  5. Hello new life
  6. Hate this
  7. Non-validation
  8. Confused
  9. Angry
  10. Bitterness

Bitterness. It is this bitterness that has caused my heart to go grow cold toward them. The lack of affection and attention is borderline neglect. The comments and treatment hurt. I just need a place to lay my head, a soft pillow and a warm bed. It’s sad when strangers are kinder than family. 

Please Lord. Give them love for You even if they never love me. 

 

Consumerism Metaphor

If the customer is always right in business, why is the student never right in schools? 

Consistency is great… When things are going well. But when schools are losing millions of students because they are dropping out, things need to change. A business will often put slogans on shirts and posters that say something like “Serving … for 100 years” or something to that extent. If schools did that, I would laugh. You have also been failing how many kids each year? Over a million? No one would ever put their investments in schools if we took into account how much they are failing while they take in that much money. 

Not all of it is going to work. We have to try. Imagine if people in technology stopped when it didn’t work. We would never have anything new. Education has to be experimented with because the current system isn’t working and needs reform

Eating Game

I began playing this tiring game, 

Where I shifted and avoided all the blame, 

“it was her, it was him, 

It was she, why are she no longer my friend?” 

When really I was being vain, 

Because eating is not simply a game. 

Eating is life, something we deep down need, 

What happens when thin begins to grow with greed? 

Anorexic.. The chill of the word haunts your bones, 

which is all you are left with, instead of being toned. 

When does this stop? When can this end? 

I put on a mask that it was all okay, I played pretend, 

all the while wanting a friend 

To see, to capture what had been happening to me.

The Evolution of Perception

What happens when it’s over?

When is it over?

I’m just confused.

So you’re born, right? And the connections you have (idealy) are trifold. You’re mom, dad, and Jesus Christ. Okay, then you get passed around to the family and you meet grandpas and grandmas, aunts and uncles, the cousins you’ll barely see, the boyfriend of your cousin you’ll never see again.

Then you grow up some more and meet people. Then you build real relationships (for a 6 year old) with playground buddies. You are confused and you know you have two sets of parents but that’s all you really know. You know mom cries sometimes but you don’t know why. Mom sleeps during the day and you cut your hair. You spill milk too, and you get in trouble. 

Then you grow up more and move to dads and it’s different here and you are treated like a doll. Then you grow up and new babies arrive. You love them, you want to build relationships with them. Yet someone stops you. That’s her baby. You aren’t. Step away.

So you get a little bit older. And the stories don’t add up. Mom hates dad and dad hates mom. Where is the consistency? Where is the reality? This has to be a nightmare. Was it always this way?

I’ll never forget being 16 and being told I was fat. This sent me into a spiral if anorexia I will carry with me for the rest of my life. All because of a comment from my father, the one I tried to please most.

Now you’re 17. Now you can’t see your boyfriend. Now church is less important than family. Now you don’t do enough, more more more. The constant grounding and controlling creates voices in your head and lies and stories and sneaking. Now you get ignored or are treated like a maid. Now you don’t appreciate. Now more. Now more. Now you are depressing. Now you are irrational and flighty and a “slut”. Now you are called more names than at school. Now you are being “treated like an adult”

I’ve learned to make my own family. Because the people who hurt me the most claim to have supported me the most. And the lack of validation and care over all is what has broken me.

“I loved you and it didn’t matter to you”

The Father v. my father

Before I was born You searched me and knew me.

He didn’t want me.

In the womb you knit me together and created me whole and complete, knowing I would sin yet loving me with the Love that gives life.

He told my mom to kill me, and when she didn’t he left.

Your one promise is you will always be there for me Jesus. Always. I am the prodigal daughter returned to her glorious King.

He left.

You have always placed me as your bride, the Church. Loving unconditionally.

He came back, yet with a wife who saw me as a life size doll.

What happens when the doll grows up and she’s not perfect anymore?

Parenting is not just a 6 year Committment. It’s a lifetime Commitment.

Don’t leave me.

Wait… I look around and all I see is white snow rifts. I open my eyes from my dream and see a vast ocean. I look up on the beach at night and notice the infinite galaxies.

I was here by myself the whole time, yet was always held by my Jesus.