The Rant.

Wake up. Snooze. Tired. Wake up. Get up. 

The pillow is seducing me back to sleep but I refuse. Sleep and I are no longer close. 

Practice. Base. Fly. Cheer. Dance. Routine. Memorize. Smile, smile, smile.

Tired. Get ready. Too tired. No make up; the natural look. No shower either. Perfume instead. 

Boyfriend: Good morning, smile, good morning babe, coffee, promise of coffee, chap-stick, homework, help study, so close, but can’t kiss we’re at school. Disappointment. 

Expectations is the name of the game, with a subtitle of school. Homework, more homework, more, more, more. Do more, sleep less, be less, be quite, no more. Yet there is an undercurrent of melancholy for I know this is my last year with these teachers and classmates. There is a feeling of letting go, yet a pull of coming back. The pull lessens, however, and the letting go increases. 

Work. I love work. I get to be me, in an environment where I can reinvent me, without changing who I really am. I love work. I love it. With work comes expecations, with work comes responsibility. With work comes cash, with works comes freedom, with work comes restraint. 

Home. Brokenness. A feeling of need is ever in my heart. A needyness I can’t equate with anywhere else. My soul is missing a piece. These things break me: 

  1. Abortion
  2. Being left
  3. Want, need, mom. 
  4. Goodbye mommy
  5. Hello new life
  6. Hate this
  7. Non-validation
  8. Confused
  9. Angry
  10. Bitterness

Bitterness. It is this bitterness that has caused my heart to go grow cold toward them. The lack of affection and attention is borderline neglect. The comments and treatment hurt. I just need a place to lay my head, a soft pillow and a warm bed. It’s sad when strangers are kinder than family. 

Please Lord. Give them love for You even if they never love me. 

 

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