No homo

Once upon a time, I thought that I was gay. 

I kissed a girl before I knew what that means. Did I like it? I’m not sure. When I was in sixth grade I was friends with girls, yet we all dated too. I didn’t even know what that meant. It was all so innocent. 

Right? I’m not gay, surely I’m not. 

Yet when I went into my junior year of high school, I realized that maybe I wasn’t so normal. No one else I knew had made out with other girls. I kept it a secret; kept it hidden. I was ashamed of it. I was afraid. I was embarrassed. I still had not kissed a guy, and I was really nervous too because if I didn’t like it, what did that mean? Did that mean I was gay? 

 No. 

When I did kiss a boy for the first time, I didn’t like it. I was in a tree, with a boy I didn’t like, who didn’t respect or really care about me at all. 

So why was I surprised? 

I was not gay. I realized that later. 

I remember crying after that event to my best friend and telling her that I didn’t want to be gay. I find that comical now because if you don’t want to be gay then you are clearly not gay. But at the time I was really distraught. I even still thought I was gay after and went out with another boy who I didn’t like but wanted so badly to feel something for. When he kissed me, I also felt nothing. Even though I was mentally convincing myself that I was gay, externally I was determined to not be gay. I ignored it.

When I first started dating my boyfriend, I was not sure how I felt. I felt casual because he was just a friend and I didn’t expect to feel anything for him anyway. But when I went to the prom with him, I felt something real.

When we kissed the first time, I’m not sure how I felt about it. But I didn’t say anything. I just kept quite. After we kissed a few more times, and I actually got to know and care and love him, I realized I wasn’t gay, but simply confused. 

I am eternally grateful I met the man of my life and he is ever accepting of me, s I am.

But more so, I am grateful that the person I fell in love with was my best friend, and I will never be confused on that again. 

 

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