A Mother’s Love

To my mother who was told that at 22 the last thing she needed was a baby.

To my mother who did not get an abortion when asked.

To my mother who has never been unkind to my Dad’s mother.

To my mother who called me even when I hit ignore on all her calls,

To my mother who had a baby at 22 and has never said it was a mistake.

To my mother who decided her call in life is to be just that.

To my mother who never gave up on me.

To my mother who called every day when I moved out on my own,

To my mother who listened to me cry tears of loneliness over the phone,

To my mother for believing in me when I most needed you,

To my mother who worries about me when I am sick or traveling

To my mother who still listens to the CD I made her in Christmas 2012.

To my beautiful mother who doesn’t always believe me when I remind her of her beauty.

To my mother who always finds a way to take care of those she loves,

To my mother who fought for me when the odds were stacked against her,

To my mother who was the object of slander and lies that I believed and yet she apologized anyway.

To my mother who has made mistakes.

To my mother who has apologized for her own as well as forgiven me for mine.

To my mother-you are the mother who cares.

Thank you. There will never be another quite like my adoring mother.

You are irreplaceable.

You are indestructible.

Do not forget that you are Pocahontas-you chose the harder path by having me.

I love you Mommy.

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The Rant.

Wake up. Snooze. Tired. Wake up. Get up. 

The pillow is seducing me back to sleep but I refuse. Sleep and I are no longer close. 

Practice. Base. Fly. Cheer. Dance. Routine. Memorize. Smile, smile, smile.

Tired. Get ready. Too tired. No make up; the natural look. No shower either. Perfume instead. 

Boyfriend: Good morning, smile, good morning babe, coffee, promise of coffee, chap-stick, homework, help study, so close, but can’t kiss we’re at school. Disappointment. 

Expectations is the name of the game, with a subtitle of school. Homework, more homework, more, more, more. Do more, sleep less, be less, be quite, no more. Yet there is an undercurrent of melancholy for I know this is my last year with these teachers and classmates. There is a feeling of letting go, yet a pull of coming back. The pull lessens, however, and the letting go increases. 

Work. I love work. I get to be me, in an environment where I can reinvent me, without changing who I really am. I love work. I love it. With work comes expecations, with work comes responsibility. With work comes cash, with works comes freedom, with work comes restraint. 

Home. Brokenness. A feeling of need is ever in my heart. A needyness I can’t equate with anywhere else. My soul is missing a piece. These things break me: 

  1. Abortion
  2. Being left
  3. Want, need, mom. 
  4. Goodbye mommy
  5. Hello new life
  6. Hate this
  7. Non-validation
  8. Confused
  9. Angry
  10. Bitterness

Bitterness. It is this bitterness that has caused my heart to go grow cold toward them. The lack of affection and attention is borderline neglect. The comments and treatment hurt. I just need a place to lay my head, a soft pillow and a warm bed. It’s sad when strangers are kinder than family. 

Please Lord. Give them love for You even if they never love me.