Those sweet nothings the broken hearted always hate on are under rated. No, we are not simply in love with the sweet words said, but they are a salve on a tired heart after a long day; they are the water at the end of a dessert. They are not nothings, as they are often called, but rather the small pieces of glue that hold this precarious relationship between two imperfects together. I am forever grateful for the sweet nothings whispered in my ear every night, even if it is over the phone and he is there and I am here.
Once upon a time, I thought that I was gay.
I kissed a girl before I knew what that means. Did I like it? I’m not sure. When I was in sixth grade I was friends with girls, yet we all dated too. I didn’t even know what that meant. It was all so innocent.
Right? I’m not gay, surely I’m not.
Yet when I went into my junior year of high school, I realized that maybe I wasn’t so normal. No one else I knew had made out with other girls. I kept it a secret; kept it hidden. I was ashamed of it. I was afraid. I was embarrassed. I still had not kissed a guy, and I was really nervous too because if I didn’t like it, what did that mean? Did that mean I was gay?
When I did kiss a boy for the first time, I didn’t like it. I was in a tree, with a boy I didn’t like, who didn’t respect or really care about me at all.
So why was I surprised?
I was not gay. I realized that later.
I remember crying after that event to my best friend and telling her that I didn’t want to be gay. I find that comical now because if you don’t want to be gay then you are clearly not gay. But at the time I was really distraught. I even still thought I was gay after and went out with another boy who I didn’t like but wanted so badly to feel something for. When he kissed me, I also felt nothing. Even though I was mentally convincing myself that I was gay, externally I was determined to not be gay. I ignored it.
When I first started dating my boyfriend, I was not sure how I felt. I felt casual because he was just a friend and I didn’t expect to feel anything for him anyway. But when I went to the prom with him, I felt something real.
When we kissed the first time, I’m not sure how I felt about it. But I didn’t say anything. I just kept quite. After we kissed a few more times, and I actually got to know and care and love him, I realized I wasn’t gay, but simply confused.
I am eternally grateful I met the man of my life and he is ever accepting of me, s I am.
But more so, I am grateful that the person I fell in love with was my best friend, and I will never be confused on that again.
Beauty is lying next to someone and laughing hard and loud in the dark.
Friendship is watching a film you both enjoy over again, just to get back a glimpse of what made you love it the first time.
Love is two who become one on a night set apart by celebration and cheers and laughs and a set of rings and all of it has an undertone of commitment for a lifetime.
Purity is finding the one whom your soul loves and craving indulgence yet refraining out of recognition of a greater Love from the Father above.
Slowly, slowly breathe.
I trace the outline of your scrawny hips and listen to your breathe as you sleep beside me. I can’t imagine being anywhere else half as content. The weight of your sleepy frame is sweet and dream like. I can never sleep with your body next to me out of fear I will miss something. Shh, sleep now. Sleep peacefully now.
You whisper mutterings in your angelic sleep state and I turn to your face and trace your lips. I think that you won’t notice if I move, yet even the slightest motion makes you hold on to me that much tighter.
As you sleep, I think about the Odyssey. Not the ancient novel of long ago, but the progression of every human being. I think about how the people next to me on the subway are going through their own expeditions and adventures and pitfalls as I sit thinking of myself. Mostly though, I think about how I have changed to be a better person through my relationship with you. You have changed as well. The Sk8er Boi you used to be has turned into my sweet innocent boyfriend. I am no longer the sarcastic witty brat but am growing in the wisdom of the Lord everyday. I am also no longer the lonely, broken girl who screamed to anyone who asked that she would never get married. Instead I am the crazy in love girl who pledges herself to you. The concept of us baffles me. We are just two kids who love Jesus with all our hearts and found each other. You are all I’ve ever thought about wanting.
I finish up thinking of change and metamorphisis just as you open your ocean sea green eyes and smile sweetly at me with your left front tooth chipped and whisper I love you in a scratchy voice. I don’t doubt I made the right choice. I never will. You are the only man for me.