Unsatisfyingly Happy Ending

“They all go through their little ruts, but they end up alright in the end”

Although this is a quote from my better half in reference to the Walking Dead series characters, I believe this is true of the characters in our own lives. My mother went through a divorce in 2014 and now she is back with her husband. I was not sure how I felt about this. I wanted her to be strong enough to be by herself; I wanted her to be happy in my own definition of happy.

I was holding your hand when the whole world came crashing down

I was listening with a pained heart when no one was around

My heart hardened when you found another man to caress

My ears were turned off when you said you knew best

Lonely nights you spent alone in your bed

Fearing the future with scary thoughts in your head

I tried to convince you I could be enough

Knowing the sweet nothings were too tough.

How telling retrospect can be

It is now that I can finally see

You were just going through a rut, a crevice if you will

A huge dent that looked as if it would loot and pilage and kill

Yet you have risen again, my beautiful Phoenix bird

As long as you are happy, I care not that all of the lines are blurred.

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Transcendence

The only way to fail at life is to abstain from it. 

Don’t you forget about me. Will you look my way? Will you walk on by? 

What does it mean to abstain from life? What does it mean to lose your way? To give up? To quit? 

To divorce? To commit suicide? To stop eating? To binge drink?

I wish that I could say that I know. I wish that I could give an amazing speech on the hope of humanity and tragic optimism and love never fails. I guess I could. 

What I have found is so much more encouraging, however is an older couple holding hands in the rain. Or a young heart going through depression find the light again through the eyes of a friend. Or the freedom to express the feeling of skinniness beyond skinny. Or the Batman who never gives up on people, even when they hate him. 

Don’t give up.

I can whisper that into the void of writing and never hear anything back 

Or, I can continue to live as I write and mean what I say. I will listen. I will hold your hand. I will be a shoulder for your quite tears. 

I will always intercede on your behalf. 

Again, I say: Rejoice. 

Discernment

Unconditional….

A long time ago after a trip to the mall with Memaw, I came home to my mommy crying.
“I lost.”
Oh mommy it’s just a game. Everybody loses sometimes.
“No baby. I lost you. You are going away.” Sobs escape through chilling words.
Where? I don’t want to go anywhere mommy. Please stop crying.
I began to cry as well. Even at the young age of 6 I had an unfortunate talent at absorbing others misery.
“You are going to live with your dad.”
What?
Fast forward.
“No Jaid. We always loved you. We didn’t take you away from your mom. She manipulated you. Can’t you see the truth through all the lies? Look at all we bought for you. Look at all we’ve done for you”
I’m sorry. You must be right.
Fast forward.
Mom how could you lie?
Mom. I loved you first.
Please. Please realize you are lying.
“Baby I’m sorry. I am trying to tell try truth. I am telling the truth.”
Wait a second.
Huh.
Fast forward.
Fast forward.
Can I…?
No. No. No.
No. No. No.
But why?
Disrespectful. Liar.
Ungrateful. Fake.
Owchie.
“Don’t do that..
Can’t do this..
Geez. You are just like your mom. I will not have that done to my kids. Stop.”
Hey. No I am not.
“You see Jaid, you don’t even know what you want. You don’t know. We do know. You’ve never lived it. We have. You have no idea what you are talking about.”
But, I do though?
This is my decision.
“If you can’t make the right decision on your own, we’ll make it for you”
What?! No way!
“Disrespectful, rude, ungrateful brat”
No, but really I..
“Hush.”
“Jaid your dad didn’t want you. He had another girl he dated. He wanted me to get rid of you…”
“Lies, liar, fake”
Wait! Please this is me. I’m telling the truth. This is me…?

“No.”
.
When do the lies end?
When did the truth begin?

Please just stop. Stop it.

Love? Truth? Trust? Right? Wrong?

What the hell is the difference?

No one ever asked me.

Never Ending Jokes

A girl met a guy who talked about the air, earth, and trees

When he looked at her, she felt he could completely see

He saw her for who she was and what she wanted to become

He promised he’d never make her submit or succumb

She fell in love with a hippie with an acoustic guitar

He serenaded her with songs and called her his star

They married in a friends backyard with no shoes and a baby-on-the-way

Forgetting to care about what the others and their parents would say

With a baby, he had to support them you see

so he got a job as an accountant, a regular Joe like you and me

He lost his guitar and forgot the trees

She left him since he could no longer see

What she dreamed to be Happily Ever After

Turned out to be just a joke and some laughter