Covet

I am stuck in this feeling of happiness and jealousy,

I am so thankful for your achievements.

I am thrilled that you have everything I ever wanted.

I am in love with you and your humility as you accept all of these blessings and opportunities as you embark on college.

It si taking everything I have to act with tact and grace.

Please don’t forget about lowly me as you go on to achieve.

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The Evolution of Perception

What happens when it’s over?

When is it over?

I’m just confused.

So you’re born, right? And the connections you have (idealy) are trifold. You’re mom, dad, and Jesus Christ. Okay, then you get passed around to the family and you meet grandpas and grandmas, aunts and uncles, the cousins you’ll barely see, the boyfriend of your cousin you’ll never see again.

Then you grow up some more and meet people. Then you build real relationships (for a 6 year old) with playground buddies. You are confused and you know you have two sets of parents but that’s all you really know. You know mom cries sometimes but you don’t know why. Mom sleeps during the day and you cut your hair. You spill milk too, and you get in trouble. 

Then you grow up more and move to dads and it’s different here and you are treated like a doll. Then you grow up and new babies arrive. You love them, you want to build relationships with them. Yet someone stops you. That’s her baby. You aren’t. Step away.

So you get a little bit older. And the stories don’t add up. Mom hates dad and dad hates mom. Where is the consistency? Where is the reality? This has to be a nightmare. Was it always this way?

I’ll never forget being 16 and being told I was fat. This sent me into a spiral if anorexia I will carry with me for the rest of my life. All because of a comment from my father, the one I tried to please most.

Now you’re 17. Now you can’t see your boyfriend. Now church is less important than family. Now you don’t do enough, more more more. The constant grounding and controlling creates voices in your head and lies and stories and sneaking. Now you get ignored or are treated like a maid. Now you don’t appreciate. Now more. Now more. Now you are depressing. Now you are irrational and flighty and a “slut”. Now you are called more names than at school. Now you are being “treated like an adult”

I’ve learned to make my own family. Because the people who hurt me the most claim to have supported me the most. And the lack of validation and care over all is what has broken me.

“I loved you and it didn’t matter to you”