I am stuck in this feeling of happiness and jealousy,

I am so thankful for your achievements.

I am thrilled that you have everything I ever wanted.

I am in love with you and your humility as you accept all of these blessings and opportunities as you embark on college.

It si taking everything I have to act with tact and grace.

Please don’t forget about lowly me as you go on to achieve.

A Mother’s Love

To my mother who was told that at 22 the last thing she needed was a baby.

To my mother who did not get an abortion when asked.

To my mother who has never been unkind to my Dad’s mother.

To my mother who called me even when I hit ignore on all her calls,

To my mother who had a baby at 22 and has never said it was a mistake.

To my mother who decided her call in life is to be just that.

To my mother who never gave up on me.

To my mother who called every day when I moved out on my own,

To my mother who listened to me cry tears of loneliness over the phone,

To my mother for believing in me when I most needed you,

To my mother who worries about me when I am sick or traveling

To my mother who still listens to the CD I made her in Christmas 2012.

To my beautiful mother who doesn’t always believe me when I remind her of her beauty.

To my mother who always finds a way to take care of those she loves,

To my mother who fought for me when the odds were stacked against her,

To my mother who was the object of slander and lies that I believed and yet she apologized anyway.

To my mother who has made mistakes.

To my mother who has apologized for her own as well as forgiven me for mine.

To my mother-you are the mother who cares.

Thank you. There will never be another quite like my adoring mother.

You are irreplaceable.

You are indestructible.

Do not forget that you are Pocahontas-you chose the harder path by having me.

I love you Mommy.

Sour to Sweet Outlook

Like a small dot lost in the void or a cotton ball floating on aimlessly, I am a small seed. I have acted like a tree for quite sometime now. I pretended that I had a trunk and branches and green leaves. Yet when alone at home in my room tightly tucked into bed with the light off, I knew all along that I was seed. I was startled by this knowledge and burrowed it deep inside so that no one knew that I am still growing, I am still a work in progress. Often I get caught up in who I am supposed to be and who others expect me to be and I end up falling flat on my face. As I lay there with the lights off thinking about my seed-like state, I begin to have self doubt, pity, and delve into the world of depression. My thoughts turn into a battle between who I am and who I am supposed to be. Why aren’t you 30 years old with everything together yet? How can you be so alone? How can you not have a friend base yet? What is your mission on this planet? How can you not be an amazing Christian yet? No one relates to you. Be a better person; be a better friend; be a better leader; be a better daughter; be a better girlfriend. 

The seconds turn to minutes that turn to hours that turn to days and weeks and months of this self doubt attitude. I find myself evaluating conversations to see if people like me rather than finding an interest in them. Again, I remind myself that I am only a seed. I am growing, if only little by little. As I shake off this feeling of inadequacey, I look to the people and events and life going on around me that is yet to be lived and I forget. I forget who I am supposed ot be or who other people expect me to be or who I expect myself to be. I have begun to just be me.

Who am I? I am a child of God who is loved by my Father who art in heaven. I am an aspiring writer. I am a lover of indie music and a avid reader of novels. I am a girlfriend of the kindest man I’ve ever known. I am an estranged daughter and a hiker and a youth leader and a babysitter and a receptionist. I am a passionate 19 year old who fell in love with a harsh world. I have a favorite coffee drink and catch phrases and TV shows and movies that I have loved so much they feel like my own. I am healing from a lifetime of emotional abuse. I am a warrior princess who is more warrior right now. I am the beloved, I am an encourager, I am an advice giver, I am a friendly acquantence. I have the gift of mercy and I am still figuring out what that means. I love philosophy and teaching and children under 5.

Who am I?

I am seed that without my realizing it, has started ever so slightly, to grow into a small stalk.

Ellen Page and the Words I’ll Never Say

In our society it is extremely easy to “fall” for celebrities. My favorite film is called Juno. It was filmed in 2007 and it is the single best movie ever written. While it is amazingly written, the acting behind the writing make it so beautiful. Ellen Page stole my heart from the first time I saw that movie. She (in the film as well as in real life-let’s face it, she’s awesome) was unique, unconventionally beautiful, and hilariously quirky. In a phrase, she was what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I have always been her biggest fan, no matter what those other fans say. However at the February LGBT announcement of her coming out, I was saddened. My celebrity crush had come out as gay. As a christian, I am not sure how to respond. In love? In judgement? Both? I still struggle with that.

However, I do have a response. The secular world will have interviews and speak of the psychology of shame and being true to yourself and talk in what seems like educated answers, but really it is just the “wisdom of the foolish.” Christians, we have got to hold to what the Word says and not what our sinful identities scream to say. It is not empowering or freeing to hold to your genetics. We have freedom in Christ to choose him! He is better. He is better. He is better. Even when we don’t want to believe it, he is still better for us. Not just in homosexual tendencies either. Alcoholism runs in gene pools; it is genetic and runs in families. It is not liberating and anyone who claimed that it was would be a laughing stock in both the secular and christian community. You, your struggles or your passions, are not your identity. You do not have to cave into being something just because you feel like that is “yourself.” You are more.

The temporary liberation that is felt is due to your heart which is deceitful. Of course sin feels gratifying; otherwise it would not be sin! We would not do it if it did not feel good! Why would we? We know it is bad. We know that lying to our parents to get out of trouble is bad but it feels good to pull one over on our parents. Right? Even if you do not want to admit it, it does feel gratifying to get away with something.

My response to Ellen Page, if I were ever able to meet her, is this: Wow. I am such a huge fan. I love, love, love your work and your interviews inspire me to embrace my quirky nature and “be myself.” Thank you for using the gifts God has given you. I love you. Can I share Jesus with you?

Ellen Page is my celebrity crush. I will more than likely never get the chance to say these things to her. However, I have a co-worker who is openly gay and openly Christian. I could only dream of being brave enough to say those things to her.

We are not perfect, Christians. But we do have a response. We do have a worldview. We do have a standpoint, a valid standpoint no less.

Go forth in love and in truth.

Word Vomit: Perfectionism

I am ill with the need to be perfect.

The 2 AM calls to action just leads me to self loathing and more procrastination.

I am always thinking about how I can be better instead of just embracing the fact that I am 18 and that is such an exciting time to figure out what I want, what I love, and how I want to enjoy life.

The ease with which I slip into perfection contradicts every single one of my ideals.

I desperately want to be a good writer. I was reading an article today about how the “good” writers don’t give up and work their butt off to be good writers. This terrifies me. I am the typical writer who writes when inspiration strikes rather than when the work bell rings.

Instead of this leading me to despair, I have decided that I want this. I want it and I need it, and I am going to have to get working in order to get it.

When I was growing up, the emphasis and definition of suscess often revolved around college and career and 8-5. I always felt as if I had to perform or entertain or have the best story to hold their attention and ultimately have their love. It was not until recently that I have realized that most of my failures and issues are a result of this performance driven attitude toward life. I want to be perfect and have the perfect body type, therefore I starved myself. I wanted their attention and craved their comments; I was starving for affection and apples.

I wanted to be admired for my intellect, wisdom, and unique nature. Even though I was I didn’t consider it enough. I spiral into depression every time I am called into question. The absolute need is unhealthy at best and crippling at worst. The mental disorders I am going through often embarress me and I hide them. The worst is when I hide them from myself.

Self deception. I have it all figured out. I am eighteen and living on my own and have gotten over these disorders and have overcome my insecurities. The most dangerous lies of all are these. I have not gotten over them but rather suppressed them. It is at the heart of these issues that I find my biggest sin: pride.

The snake that envelops my heart as fallen away, yet it is within my heart that the Father is revealing the deepest sins.

Predicament of a Monster

Oh how I loved thee.

Your hook for a hand made me bleed.

You said “Follow Me,”

And I went to the darkest forest;

I am still here and my leader is nowhere to be found.

With a black hole as a heart you dragged me in

Shredding me to pieces, yet I remained.

I know that it is me who sits here,

But I also know that it is not who I used to be.

The men who took all of me and decided

I was now soiled and used,

The men who woke me from a coma

Only to bashed my heart and head in,

The men who whispered sweet nothings

Who in a turn of events yelled all my secrets

This one is for you:

I am the monster and you are Frankenstein.

All I am is a corpse resurrected again and again.

This is who you created, and I am nothing to you now.

Let me count the ways.

Universal Concerts

The moments when we see strangers vulnerable are the best.

Looking across a coffee house and seeing a grown man singing out to One Republic are the ones where I most believe in humanity and I am the most understanding.

We all have impromptu concerts in our cars, in public, and, sometimes in a coffee shop. And understanding that we are not alone in these solo concerts is a wonderful feeling of unity.

The Little Pieces

Those sweet nothings the broken hearted always hate on are under rated. No, we are not simply in love with the sweet words said, but they are a salve on a tired heart after a long day; they are the water at the end of a dessert. They are not nothings, as they are often called, but rather the small pieces of glue that hold this precarious relationship between two imperfects together. I am forever grateful for the sweet nothings whispered in my ear every night, even if it is over the phone and he is there and I am here.

No, Not I

It is not I who will be able to save you from all of your crying

It is not I who will be able to stop the evil world from trying

It is not I who will be your superwoman and kill all the bad guys

It is not I who will confront all the bullies for I am shy

It is not I who will buy every tub of ice cream I can find

It is not I who will be irrevocably or consistently kind

However, just like the Beatles, I will hold your hand

However, I will give you a box of tissues when the days are mean.

I will take a good beating with you until we are black and green

I will stand beside you, quivering, when you tell off the bullies

I will stay up late with you after break ups and eat all the goodies

And I will swiftly apologize for every mean word and slight of hand.

I will love you the only way I know how:

Not perfect, but genuine.