Sour to Sweet Outlook

Like a small dot lost in the void or a cotton ball floating on aimlessly, I am a small seed. I have acted like a tree for quite sometime now. I pretended that I had a trunk and branches and green leaves. Yet when alone at home in my room tightly tucked into bed with the light off, I knew all along that I was seed. I was startled by this knowledge and burrowed it deep inside so that no one knew that I am still growing, I am still a work in progress. Often I get caught up in who I am supposed to be and who others expect me to be and I end up falling flat on my face. As I lay there with the lights off thinking about my seed-like state, I begin to have self doubt, pity, and delve into the world of depression. My thoughts turn into a battle between who I am and who I am supposed to be. Why aren’t you 30 years old with everything together yet? How can you be so alone? How can you not have a friend base yet? What is your mission on this planet? How can you not be an amazing Christian yet? No one relates to you. Be a better person; be a better friend; be a better leader; be a better daughter; be a better girlfriend. 

The seconds turn to minutes that turn to hours that turn to days and weeks and months of this self doubt attitude. I find myself evaluating conversations to see if people like me rather than finding an interest in them. Again, I remind myself that I am only a seed. I am growing, if only little by little. As I shake off this feeling of inadequacey, I look to the people and events and life going on around me that is yet to be lived and I forget. I forget who I am supposed ot be or who other people expect me to be or who I expect myself to be. I have begun to just be me.

Who am I? I am a child of God who is loved by my Father who art in heaven. I am an aspiring writer. I am a lover of indie music and a avid reader of novels. I am a girlfriend of the kindest man I’ve ever known. I am an estranged daughter and a hiker and a youth leader and a babysitter and a receptionist. I am a passionate 19 year old who fell in love with a harsh world. I have a favorite coffee drink and catch phrases and TV shows and movies that I have loved so much they feel like my own. I am healing from a lifetime of emotional abuse. I am a warrior princess who is more warrior right now. I am the beloved, I am an encourager, I am an advice giver, I am a friendly acquantence. I have the gift of mercy and I am still figuring out what that means. I love philosophy and teaching and children under 5.

Who am I?

I am seed that without my realizing it, has started ever so slightly, to grow into a small stalk.

Advertisements

The Missing Link

I searched all the earth for my missing piece, only to feel like more of me was missing,
It has not mattered how many adventures or long, beautiful nights of kissing,
The desire for love, for adventure, for experience and ultimately Joy
Has never left me, has never abandoned me, like a persistent little boy.
However, I have come to see, long ago, that the journey is what I desire
Since the obtainment of the thing itself will not quench my fire.
All of this reveals to me, that I am collecting pieces all along,
Of the final battle, the Lost Love, the ultimate adventure; the eternal song,
Rebellion, acceptance, love, adventure, rest, joy all remain in the One,
We are all going on a path towards a specific destination,
I will seek to live and search out beauty in all of its nutrition.
To conclude, to make complete, to draw to an end,
A life of art, beauty, music, and literature is a pursuit of my friend.

Promise

Love. 

What a terrifying, frightening, thrilling, adventurous, emotive word. The very essence of the word is curiosity, suspensions, anxieties. Yet, it is so much more. The word is embodied by the breathy voice of a singer-songwriter, the beautiful paintings of an impressionist, and the words that flow from a poet’s mouth at a reading that make you feel and hunger and thirst for something, something more, something beyond. 

Love. 

Love is all these things and more. C.S. Lewis talks about a feeling he experienced throughout his life upon reflection which he called Joy, capitalized because it was a yearning for another world. 

Love makes, shakes, changes, rearranges, flips upside down. Love is both awe-inspiring and terrifying because it makes and breaks us. For example: I am in love. This statement alone stirs emotions in all of us, wonderful and spiteful alike. 

I once read a book by a wonderful author. One of the main characters has a phrase he uses often: “I am on a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friend.” What a wonderful, optimistic, idealistic way of viewing the world. How easy it is to appreciate an author who incorporates life lessens in his characters. Love promises us that even when the coasters starts to dip down and look as if it is going to crash, the coaster of love should, will, must go up again. Don’t give up. Don’t get off. Continue to believe, trust, hope, and look forward to the powerful imaginings of love. 

“You could live this way, or you could not. Or you could live this way, or not. Either way you win. But either way you will also lose something. I will always support you.”

I’ll believe it all

“And to the young ravens who cry…”

I would like very much to know what it would be like if I could be a bird. The beauty and mystery behind the ability to be tweeting with one bird and to suddenly fly and leave like it was the easiest thing. No attachments, no commitments, just beautiful birds in flight, enjoying the large open sky and endless ocean. 

I find it amazing that even these small animals are taken care of and have no teenage angst or work life stresses. 

These birds are completely dependent on some way of getting food that day. 

Yet we, who live in the wealthiest country in the history of man, worry about if we let in the “immigrants” that we will not be able to provide for our families. 

I don’t understand this. Call me a minimalist, an idealist, and a purist for the rest of my days, but I will never understand the decision to uphold ideas rather than protect innocent people. 

Trust and depend. Do not blame those who cannot help how or where they were born for your own insecurities and worries. 

I’ll believe it all
I won’t let go of your hand

Two birds of a feather
Say that they’re always gonna stay together

But one is never going to let go of that wire. 

And he is a liar. 

 

Why I’m…

Because curse words are over rated and overused at the same time. 

Because college is a mystery that is unexplainable

Because music completes me

Because rain is a beautiful rhythm tap, tap, tapping out its love for the world

Because the sun warms us all yet gives us melanoma

Because cancer sucks

Because the moon comes out to shine for us every night

Because love covers all sins like a blanket at a bonfire with laughing friends

Because the love of my life is too far away tonight

Music Madness

I am a kaleidoscope of music. As I grow older more depth is added to my color. My first layers were 90s songs I barely heard but can remember. Then I added on pop and rap music where I found my niche. Yet, it wasn’t for me to love, so I dove into the depths and found music most people don’t ever find, like the Smiths. Then I kept searching and listening and found Noah and The Whale. I have my chill out days and my weak days, when I turn on the slow anthems of Lana Del Rey. But I don’t always have slow days; some days I need a reason to scream so I pump up blink 182 and sing about first dates and how our parents can’t change us and put I miss you on repeat. There are times when I just wanna cry, and that’s when Kimya Dawson and the moldy peaches comes on because she is the first alternative band I found; she is home.
I have fallen deeply in love with music and have an appreciation I cannot explain for it.

Naivity

With all the chaos of normality surrounding us, all the mainstream beats pushing down on you, making you conform, try to lay down here next to me (I saved you a spot). Let’s roll over, press our ears to the ground, straining to listen to the off-beat indie rock ringing out from the Underground’s loud voices. While the army drill sergeants yell commands from the Man, yelling about needing to think about money, thinking about practicalities, let’s share a pair of headphones and drown him out, out, out. Don’t wanna be like our parents, working for money, hating the system, yet bowing down to it from 9-5 faithfully. Let’s run away, if just for tonight, while we’re still in the land of ideals, the land of youth. The youth in my blood is screaming yes we can, the rebellion coursing through my veins let’s out a war cry I cannot ignore. I must take action, I must escape this normality surrounding me, I must join the fight. The fight for you, for me, for us, for love, for beating the odds, for all of it, is written on my heart and shines through in defiant eyes. Fill me with hope instead of doubt. Tell me we’ll be different, tell me we’ll make it, tell me we’ll make it through with no inch of cynical thoughts in our idealist brains.

Believe.