You think I didn’t know. You’re a cheat.

Young and impressionable, I truly believed that you were simply shy and sweet and cute to boot. I felt lonely and unnoticed at times when you came on the scene of my life, and it was perfect timing for you to come in with your night in shining armor disguise. A new kid on the block, you saw something in me that drew you to my side and I was flattered and pleased to be noticed in a new way. Surely, this boy, this one boy, could be the one that I was searching for right? After all, opposites attract, right? I could not have been further from the truth. I was irritated at the very obvious fact that you were not mature enough to be dating me. Did that stop me from 9 months of dating you? “The slow learner is taught the lesson by repetition.” I tried to understand you, I tried to fix you, I tried to change you. I fell for excuses and put up with inappropriate behavior because I so craved the feeling of being loved I refused to acknowledge the truth-we were not compatible.

Possibly the worst feeling was feeling jaded. My hand limp at my side unheld and my lips puckered yet unkissed while her sheets were unkept and you both showing signs of lack of sleep.

What was it about me? Was it my moral standards? Was it my sense of self respect? Was it my pushy and demanding confidence?

Or maybe it wasn’t me at all.

Was it your shy nature? Was it your tendency toward deception? Was it your love of physical pleasure and displacement towards emotional intimacy? Was it the language barrier? Was it just bad timing?

Or was it a passionate night at a Korean summer camp with a stranger and a lie that you were too ashamed to admit until a wasted night and a drunken voicemail on my machine.

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Wanderlust

Oh,

How easy it is to have nostalgia for a place I have yet to visit and an experience I have not experienced.

I watch shows where the sounds and scenery of Ireland lulls me to a yearning.

I have witnessed the feeling of awe at the crowds bustling in Times Square and long to be a part of that atmosphere on the daily.

I see the huge mountains of Colorado and the mysteriousness of the Grand Canyon and want to find myself there.

When will I have the oportunity to go abroad? To see the history and beauty and dampness of London?

I am yearning here in my small little kitchen inside of the state of Oklahoma and I am forgetful of all I love.

The weather isn’t so bad.The heat is stifling in the summer time and the winter is sporadic and unkind. Us Oklahomans long for the joy of spring time that seems to never come and when it finally does suddenly it is gone. The fall appears to hold promises that are too soon swept away into winter. There are things to do in the metro that I am discovering. And our sunrises are glorious due to the flatness of the land.

Yet it is always, always there, this itching in my feet to travel and explore and experience a new and exciting place.

Please, take me away.

Second Guessing

You’re such a great guy, really, it’s true.

Holding all the doors, and holding my hand too

Scooting closer as the room gets dark,

Slipping your arm around me, my heart singing like a lark.

Or is it truly singing? Am I really all that happy?

My mind feels fine, none of my thoughts are sappy.

My focus never drifts to you, not really, I think of me,

Of me sitting, not with you, but alone.

It’s not so bad, none too sad, being ice cream without a cone

I guess I always loved you, not you in particular, but the thought

I’m not in school, but this is definitely a lesson I’m being taught

You can’t force love. Maybe you can make them like you

But, I’m telling you, no really, don’t try, it’s true

Never can you make yourself, your heart, your mind,

Fall for someone just because they seem to be your kind.

“Just because she loves the same bizarro crap you do, doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate”