You think I didn’t know. You’re a cheat.

Young and impressionable, I truly believed that you were simply shy and sweet and cute to boot. I felt lonely and unnoticed at times when you came on the scene of my life, and it was perfect timing for you to come in with your night in shining armor disguise. A new kid on the block, you saw something in me that drew you to my side and I was flattered and pleased to be noticed in a new way. Surely, this boy, this one boy, could be the one that I was searching for right? After all, opposites attract, right? I could not have been further from the truth. I was irritated at the very obvious fact that you were not mature enough to be dating me. Did that stop me from 9 months of dating you? “The slow learner is taught the lesson by repetition.” I tried to understand you, I tried to fix you, I tried to change you. I fell for excuses and put up with inappropriate behavior because I so craved the feeling of being loved I refused to acknowledge the truth-we were not compatible.

Possibly the worst feeling was feeling jaded. My hand limp at my side unheld and my lips puckered yet unkissed while her sheets were unkept and you both showing signs of lack of sleep.

What was it about me? Was it my moral standards? Was it my sense of self respect? Was it my pushy and demanding confidence?

Or maybe it wasn’t me at all.

Was it your shy nature? Was it your tendency toward deception? Was it your love of physical pleasure and displacement towards emotional intimacy? Was it the language barrier? Was it just bad timing?

Or was it a passionate night at a Korean summer camp with a stranger and a lie that you were too ashamed to admit until a wasted night and a drunken voicemail on my machine.

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Word Vomit: Perfectionism

I am ill with the need to be perfect.

The 2 AM calls to action just leads me to self loathing and more procrastination.

I am always thinking about how I can be better instead of just embracing the fact that I am 18 and that is such an exciting time to figure out what I want, what I love, and how I want to enjoy life.

The ease with which I slip into perfection contradicts every single one of my ideals.

I desperately want to be a good writer. I was reading an article today about how the “good” writers don’t give up and work their butt off to be good writers. This terrifies me. I am the typical writer who writes when inspiration strikes rather than when the work bell rings.

Instead of this leading me to despair, I have decided that I want this. I want it and I need it, and I am going to have to get working in order to get it.

When I was growing up, the emphasis and definition of suscess often revolved around college and career and 8-5. I always felt as if I had to perform or entertain or have the best story to hold their attention and ultimately have their love. It was not until recently that I have realized that most of my failures and issues are a result of this performance driven attitude toward life. I want to be perfect and have the perfect body type, therefore I starved myself. I wanted their attention and craved their comments; I was starving for affection and apples.

I wanted to be admired for my intellect, wisdom, and unique nature. Even though I was I didn’t consider it enough. I spiral into depression every time I am called into question. The absolute need is unhealthy at best and crippling at worst. The mental disorders I am going through often embarress me and I hide them. The worst is when I hide them from myself.

Self deception. I have it all figured out. I am eighteen and living on my own and have gotten over these disorders and have overcome my insecurities. The most dangerous lies of all are these. I have not gotten over them but rather suppressed them. It is at the heart of these issues that I find my biggest sin: pride.

The snake that envelops my heart as fallen away, yet it is within my heart that the Father is revealing the deepest sins.

Naivity

With all the chaos of normality surrounding us, all the mainstream beats pushing down on you, making you conform, try to lay down here next to me (I saved you a spot). Let’s roll over, press our ears to the ground, straining to listen to the off-beat indie rock ringing out from the Underground’s loud voices. While the army drill sergeants yell commands from the Man, yelling about needing to think about money, thinking about practicalities, let’s share a pair of headphones and drown him out, out, out. Don’t wanna be like our parents, working for money, hating the system, yet bowing down to it from 9-5 faithfully. Let’s run away, if just for tonight, while we’re still in the land of ideals, the land of youth. The youth in my blood is screaming yes we can, the rebellion coursing through my veins let’s out a war cry I cannot ignore. I must take action, I must escape this normality surrounding me, I must join the fight. The fight for you, for me, for us, for love, for beating the odds, for all of it, is written on my heart and shines through in defiant eyes. Fill me with hope instead of doubt. Tell me we’ll be different, tell me we’ll make it, tell me we’ll make it through with no inch of cynical thoughts in our idealist brains.

Believe.

Never Ending Jokes

A girl met a guy who talked about the air, earth, and trees

When he looked at her, she felt he could completely see

He saw her for who she was and what she wanted to become

He promised he’d never make her submit or succumb

She fell in love with a hippie with an acoustic guitar

He serenaded her with songs and called her his star

They married in a friends backyard with no shoes and a baby-on-the-way

Forgetting to care about what the others and their parents would say

With a baby, he had to support them you see

so he got a job as an accountant, a regular Joe like you and me

He lost his guitar and forgot the trees

She left him since he could no longer see

What she dreamed to be Happily Ever After

Turned out to be just a joke and some laughter

Kissing…

“Ancient lovers believed a kiss would literally unite their souls, because the spirit was said to be carried in one’s breath.” Eve Glicksman

So if that’s what ancient lovers believed, what do we believe about kissing today? People are seen kissing everywhere. I don’t really see a particular problem with it, but it obviously isn’t seen as a uniting of two people’s souls because this union would be made with many souls, making it insignificant. I wish people still believed in the idea of love, instead of the happiness of the moment. I wish people believed in love as a thing to strive for instead of an unattainable fairy tale. Mostly though, I wish people loved more. Loved like you were never hurt and never would be: loving like it was the first time. I want love to last forever-both souls united.