I wish we could go back to that night in the hotel. Although I’ve seen you since, that is the way I’ll always remember you. You’re idealistic utopias, unrealistic dreams, and sweet, false lullabies. All of these things, none of them you at all, is the way my labyrinth of a mind has identified you. At the time, that was called love for those of us who sang, and it might still be. I’m not sure if I would still call it love. Even though I gave you all of me, every single piece, and I needed you more than oxygen floating in the air, you turned your back on me. I know I’m awful, and hard to deal with, so that must be why you got away. I never once heard you say I need you, or I don’t need you. You just left, without even an explanation or goodbye. We talked before you left, and you told me you preferred beautiful women, and you’d make a small exception for me. After a few moments of silence of gratitude, you clenched your fist, and ranted about the oppression of beauty in our society. Asking questions, trying to find someone to blame, you said is it is the individual or the society the individual is in? After more blame shifting and solo debate on your part, you stopped, lowered your arms and sat next to me. In a sudden dynamic shift that startled me, you softly caressed my arms and kissed my cheek (which was a bit damp, to be honest) and fixed yourself. “Well never mind. We may be ugly, but we have the music.” I smiled sweetly as I could, and leaned into you, whispering I need you over and over again. As I said earlier, I’m not sure if it was love. I’m not meaning to suggest that I loved you the best. Who can keep track of each fallen robin? I just meant that I remember you well from that late night hotel. I guess you turned your back on the crowd, which is great. At least one of us got away.
I never thought it’d be me. I never believed I’d be the one who stared at you when you weren’t looking, glancing away fast when you caught me. Laughing hard when you say stupid things, sighing deeply, smiling broadly when you say sweet things. I never believed it’d be true for me. I thought that’d be someone else. But I am the girl who kissed you in your truck last night, and I’m the girl who hangs out with you everyday. I didn’t want to be committed, and I said let’s go slow, yet now here I am kissing you and only you, dating you and only you. I guess I’ve finally been caught. But instead of beating my wings against the cage, I smile at you everytime you come to my cage, and when you offer to let me go, I cling hard to the bars and cry for the door to be closed. I’m baffled by my sudden commitment to you, but I am here, and I promise I’ll stay, no matter the cost. I’m not really sure how to feel about it, must be something in the way you move; it makes me feel like I can’t live without you. It takes me all the way… Promise me, promise me you’ll stay.
Look bro, here’s the thing. You say you like me right? What if that’s not really me? I’ve built a wall around me recently. I decorated my wall prettily, making every nook and cranny beautiful so no one could tell. You will never see the inside of my garden, with it’s weeds and broken swings and pretty flowers smushed. I think this is why I can’t like you. I can’t like someone who only likes what is on the outside. I should not have let you kiss me, and I apologize. But please understand, please come to the realization that it is not me you want at all, but some imaginative figure who appears to be me, yet is not. You have not seen the true me behind the wall I’ve built, and you never will. This wall stands strong, and it is not easy to break it down. I’ll continue to hide inside broken and bent, while my wall does the imitation of me, strong and beautiful. I both pray for and dread the day someone tears down my wall and comes and sits next to me in the debris and says they think this side is beautiful too.
Inching forward, leaning slightly to the right,
Lowering my eyelids, and you slide out of sight,
Your lips brush mine softly, gently, and leave,
What? Is this a game to you? Don’t be a tease.
Why did you decide to wait for my lips anyway?
What about when we dated and you didn’t know what to say?
I wish I understood what it means to be in love,
To forget all your worries and fly far above,
But it seems I have not found that answer on my path,
So I’ll continue to search for it in each and every laugh,
On the long nights of gasping, sobbing, shoulder crying,
The disappointments, the fights, the deep sighing,
In each of these situations I’ll remember the adventure that is life,
And be happier and happier for the uphill battle and strife.