No homo

Once upon a time, I thought that I was gay. 

I kissed a girl before I knew what that means. Did I like it? I’m not sure. When I was in sixth grade I was friends with girls, yet we all dated too. I didn’t even know what that meant. It was all so innocent. 

Right? I’m not gay, surely I’m not. 

Yet when I went into my junior year of high school, I realized that maybe I wasn’t so normal. No one else I knew had made out with other girls. I kept it a secret; kept it hidden. I was ashamed of it. I was afraid. I was embarrassed. I still had not kissed a guy, and I was really nervous too because if I didn’t like it, what did that mean? Did that mean I was gay? 

 No. 

When I did kiss a boy for the first time, I didn’t like it. I was in a tree, with a boy I didn’t like, who didn’t respect or really care about me at all. 

So why was I surprised? 

I was not gay. I realized that later. 

I remember crying after that event to my best friend and telling her that I didn’t want to be gay. I find that comical now because if you don’t want to be gay then you are clearly not gay. But at the time I was really distraught. I even still thought I was gay after and went out with another boy who I didn’t like but wanted so badly to feel something for. When he kissed me, I also felt nothing. Even though I was mentally convincing myself that I was gay, externally I was determined to not be gay. I ignored it.

When I first started dating my boyfriend, I was not sure how I felt. I felt casual because he was just a friend and I didn’t expect to feel anything for him anyway. But when I went to the prom with him, I felt something real.

When we kissed the first time, I’m not sure how I felt about it. But I didn’t say anything. I just kept quite. After we kissed a few more times, and I actually got to know and care and love him, I realized I wasn’t gay, but simply confused. 

I am eternally grateful I met the man of my life and he is ever accepting of me, s I am.

But more so, I am grateful that the person I fell in love with was my best friend, and I will never be confused on that again. 

 

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Never to Fade

I used to believe in 11:11 wishes, 

Used to dream of midnight kisses, 

I believed in these things and much more, 

But all that was in a time long, long, before, 

Before the boy ripped at my chest, 

Smiling, thinking he knew what was best, 

Tearing me limb from limb, reaching for my core, 

My insides are completely red, raw, and sore, 

Mutilated, none of these fairy tale dreams remain, 

My once white canvass has a permanent stain, 

a stain made in a fit of red passion all too fast, 

I guess intimacy and love were never meant to last, 

All my birthday wishes never did come true, 

Every day no longer bright, but gray & blue, 

Waking up in this big bed all alone, 

Searching for a nonexistent note by the hotel phone.

The young, beautiful boy disguised as a sheep, 

Snuck out quietly as a wolf, leaving me stuck in sleep. 

White

Once a girl was happy, light, and loved.

She was white and beautiful and shown like a dove.

she never did anything wrong, only did what was right.

she learned it’s not okay to be colorful here, only white.

So she got a job, had a boyfriend, got married

Very soon she felt heavy and burdened and buried

In this whirlwind we call life, and she said goodbye to her.

She became the girl who goes to a party and soon slurs.

She was told one day that she had had no life

She looked down at the sharp, pointed knife.

She considered, if only for a moment, to really wave bye

But then she thought with a drawn out sigh

No. I want to live and love and dream and BE

So she got in her car and she drove far away to see

What was out there in the city of life and happiness, NYC

So she bought those red heels, and she wore them everyday

and she kissed that one boy one day on the subway

she made up for lost time and she learned all along

You don’t have to be cool, hip, or even belong

One just has to believe, live, love, kiss, dream,

Because you may wake up one day to a too bright beam,

You realize the brightness and white light

Is your blank canvass, called Your Life.

You thought you did everything right, did nothing too tart.

But in the end, all you made was Nothing, completely void of art.