I believe there was a stretch of time when I reached out for you continuously
I am quite sure I once breathed solely for you to take my breath away with sweet nothings.
I am certain I once looked forward for you and only you to see me.
I come alive at the thought that I no longer have to wait for you to wake me up
In order to live.
Laughing, talking, enjoying each other,
Not realizing I had found a new lover,
Offering smoothly to walk me home,
Agreeing, without realizing we were alone.
As we trudged down a path familiar,
I had a feeling very peculiar.
I realized I did not truly like your person,
My heart was not exactly bursting.
I did not like the you in front of me
But only the you I wished you could be.
As you casually gesture and ask to enter,
I am taken back for a moment, then centered.
I consent and we enter together
I have let the beast take my feather.
All of this is a heavy reminder the morning after
Of the boy who I truly loved and who could see
Yet that was long ago, a different time, a different me.
Long ago I lost the cleanliness of my rags.
I greatly admire birds, as my posts suggest. I often visualize myself as a bird chained to a specific spot, unable to spread her beautiful wings and leave as gracefully as she came. The thing with birds my romantic view refuses to think about is the fact that while they are free to come and go, they hardly ever stay. The constant shift in coming and going means no connections, no personal ties forever. While in a way this sounds appealing, it only sounds appealing in the idealist sense. I have made ties and to break away and leave would mean to completely abandon it all and migrate away to someplace new, with it’s own chains and cages ready to trap me again. Is that really what I want? In some relationships, yes. I cannot wait to leave in some instances. Yet the pragmatist in me can’t help but realize that leaving is not as freeing as it seems to be. One cannot just leave because they believe someplace else will be better, prettier, bolder, and bigger. While I still imagine my wings coming out and my confidence shining as I go to make something of myself, I will not sit by and use the future as an escape from the present. When I stop staring at clouds and daydreaming of places and things and people I’ve never met or seen, I find my home in people here and now. I find my joy in the smallest places and things and people. So yes, I am bird ready to fly away, but for now I guess I’ll be content to stay.
“Let go Mike.”
“You can’t do this, Lauren!”
Defiantly, she ripped away her hand and with it her gentle tone. “I said let go, Mike. I need to go.”
“Please. Please don’t leave me again. I need an anchor, someone to hold me down, keep me stable. I need you.” Reaching out for her, the isolated island she had become, he gently caressed her wrist.
She pulled her wrist back. “You don’t need me. You need to stay the hell away from me. I’m not going to stay here waiting for the pain and loneliness that is the inevitable companion of love.”
“No, Lauren. I’m not going to leave you! You are the one pulling away from me. I keep reaching for you and I can see the flicker of desire in your eyes if for only a moment. But then the flood of memories of the past is projected onto me. I’m constantly competing with the guys who hurt you. I’m here and now and real and I love you Lauren.”
“Lies.” She whispered, but even as the words floated from her throat she stopped believing it. She leaned into him, crying softly, and he wrapped his arms around her as he sighed in relief. “I’m sorry they hurt, left, and broke you Lauren. But I’m determined not to. Let me in. Let me love you.”
And in that moment, the moat that kept out his love was destroyed, and the castle was taken over with a flood of love.
Sometimes, they come in random spurts for no reason. Others, they come from a special time with a friend that reminds you of another time with the same friend when everything was happy. I miss these times, but realize sometimes it is not always best to be nostalgic. Instead it is better to live in the moment and enjoy what is happening in the present rather than what you think happened in the past. So yeah, I miss that. But I’m happy for it because of who I’ve become through it, losing it, and surviving it. So, in the words of Fall Out Boy:
Thanks for the memories,
Even if they weren’t so great.
There are some days when nothing goes right, days when all you want to do is cry. The day when all your friends ditch you, get new ones. Today, I realized I don’t even want to be her (code: mad) friend anymore, so why run in a race I don’t want to win? Mad acts like I’m unimportant to her, and treats everyone like they are second to her best. Who wants to be number two in a relationship that’s meant to be equal? Everyone always gives all this hype about women’s rights and how we were all created equal, and take advantage of the benefits of that. But then we treat people like they aren’t equal, like they are not as good as us. What is that? Since when is friendship a competition? I feel like most of my friendships are this way. I miss the way it used to be, but I have to let go of impossibility, for you can’t replicate the past, only move on for the future.
The Muse 