Young and impressionable, I truly believed that you were simply shy and sweet and cute to boot. I felt lonely and unnoticed at times when you came on the scene of my life, and it was perfect timing for you to come in with your night in shining armor disguise. A new kid on the block, you saw something in me that drew you to my side and I was flattered and pleased to be noticed in a new way. Surely, this boy, this one boy, could be the one that I was searching for right? After all, opposites attract, right? I could not have been further from the truth. I was irritated at the very obvious fact that you were not mature enough to be dating me. Did that stop me from 9 months of dating you? “The slow learner is taught the lesson by repetition.” I tried to understand you, I tried to fix you, I tried to change you. I fell for excuses and put up with inappropriate behavior because I so craved the feeling of being loved I refused to acknowledge the truth-we were not compatible.
Possibly the worst feeling was feeling jaded. My hand limp at my side unheld and my lips puckered yet unkissed while her sheets were unkept and you both showing signs of lack of sleep.
What was it about me? Was it my moral standards? Was it my sense of self respect? Was it my pushy and demanding confidence?
Or maybe it wasn’t me at all.
Was it your shy nature? Was it your tendency toward deception? Was it your love of physical pleasure and displacement towards emotional intimacy? Was it the language barrier? Was it just bad timing?
Or was it a passionate night at a Korean summer camp with a stranger and a lie that you were too ashamed to admit until a wasted night and a drunken voicemail on my machine.
The boardwalk stands before me. Staring straight ahead lost in thought, I find pink and yellow rays and bands wrapped against fluffy white clouds as the sun begins it’s descent. The hope of it stuns me in my stupor of thought and reflection. The sun’ll come out, tomorrow. Annie sings he song on loop in my head as I find myself running, running to the end of the boardwalk. Out of breath and elated, I find my bare feet hanging over the edge, begging to jump off. What’s stopping you? I ask myself. The grin and free feeling course through my veins, convincing me of ridiculous notions. Why couldn’t I cross the ocean? Why couldn’t I sprout fins and sing a song, becoming a siren? What would be so wrong about diving deep, deep down and never coming back up. But then my eyes again meet the sunset, and I choose to stay and change my reality and purpose. I was made to love, and I will not give up.
With all the chaos of normality surrounding us, all the mainstream beats pushing down on you, making you conform, try to lay down here next to me (I saved you a spot). Let’s roll over, press our ears to the ground, straining to listen to the off-beat indie rock ringing out from the Underground’s loud voices. While the army drill sergeants yell commands from the Man, yelling about needing to think about money, thinking about practicalities, let’s share a pair of headphones and drown him out, out, out. Don’t wanna be like our parents, working for money, hating the system, yet bowing down to it from 9-5 faithfully. Let’s run away, if just for tonight, while we’re still in the land of ideals, the land of youth. The youth in my blood is screaming yes we can, the rebellion coursing through my veins let’s out a war cry I cannot ignore. I must take action, I must escape this normality surrounding me, I must join the fight. The fight for you, for me, for us, for love, for beating the odds, for all of it, is written on my heart and shines through in defiant eyes. Fill me with hope instead of doubt. Tell me we’ll be different, tell me we’ll make it, tell me we’ll make it through with no inch of cynical thoughts in our idealist brains.
Don’t tell me we can’t do it, just tell me we will. Tell me we are together forever, that we will travel the world. Whisper stories in my ear of our lives together. Tell me all about the day you convince me to marry you and the day we have our twin babies. Tell me about the time we danced in the street, and the time we jumped from the plane together. Tell me about our first kiss and our first time to make love. Tell me we will never end, tell me we belong together. Don’t tell me I’m Juliet and you’re Romeo, for they died too quickly, and I selfishly want to spend a lifetime with you. Don’t tell me we will break off and go back to our seperate lives, for I’ve found my missing piece in you. I don’t want to know that these things never last, and I don’t want to know that we will never have a baby and you won’t chase me down just to give me a white daisy for you know it is my favorite. Don’t, just please don’t, end this fantasy I’ve created for us. Instead tell me of endless skies and spin away at that web of lies, for I’d rather have the web then nothing at all. Don’t tell me you are only an almost lover.